A man walked cautiously into an empty church. The towering ceilings made him feel small, like a child. The elegant stained glass made him feel course and dirty. The embroidered wall hangings made him feel poor and humbled. The Holy Sacrament displayed on the alter at the head of the church made him feel nervous and unworthy. But, the church as a whole, in all its grandeur, made him feel safe. God would meet him here.
He found a place among the pews and sat down, hat in hand. Silence echoed through the imperious hall. The man’s eyes dropped to the floor, unsure of what to do next. He only remembered one prayer from his childhood, so he began softly to recite it. With each familiar line his mind wandered into unscripted invocation.
“Our Father, who art in heaven,”
God, I’m not sure if you see me as a child or a creation. I’m not even sure if you really care about the everyday troubles of man with all the problems facing this world. But, I really want to believe right now. I could sure use a hand figuring out this life you created.
“Hallowed be thy name,”
Right now nothing seems sacred anymore. You start off life with this dream – this expectation – that certain things are your right if you’re a good person and you work hard. Lord, you know I do my best, but over the years my dreams seem to have dissipated into oblivion.
“Thy Kingdom Come,”
I never wanted much, Lord, just a family that loved me. A wife I could spoil. A couple kids I could pass on my knowledge to. A little house that would hold our memories. Work that would leave me tired at the end of each day, eager to come home.
“Thy will be done – on earth as it is in heaven,”
But somehow I’ve gotten lost on this journey called life. Lately I feel like I haven’t just lost sight of the destination, I’m spiraling out of control. I seem to be making decisions without a purpose, simply to get by. I don’t have a direction in mind, so I just swerve around in the dark.
“Give us this day our daily bread,”
Some days I wonder where the money for our next meal is gonna come from. Since I lost my job in February everything’s been mighty tight. I know I should be content asking for a square meal and a roof over our head, but it is so hard not being able to surprise my wife with roses or buy my kid a new bike. Lord, wasn’t it you who said man does not live by bread alone?
“Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us,”
If it was just you I had to ask forgiveness from I’d do it in a heartbeat. But, it’s my family that really deserves an apology. I’ve been so stressed, and been feeling like such a louse for not providing better. I guess I take it out on them. My wife thinks I don’t listen or don’t understand; I do. I just can’t fix it, so all her lecturing just makes me feel like I’m in quick sand, getting smaller and less significant every moment. Eventually, she’ll just swallow me up, and then who will she blame?
“And lead us not into temptation,”
I don’t understand. If you love me like a father and want me to be a good person, why do you make it so hard on me. I’ve made some bad decisions in my life, but I was young and stupid. I’ve tried to love my wife, be a responsible father for my children, work hard and make a home. And yet, everyday you test my very will to survive.
“But deliver us from evil,”
I’m tired God. Tired of work with no reward. Tired of fighting for every little thing. Tired of all the bickering at home. Tired of being pushed backwards every time I take a stride forwards. I don’t need a perfect life, Lord, just a break from the battle.
“For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever.”
After reciting those final words aloud he stood up resolutely. His rugged, oil-stained fingers brushed against the worn wood of the pews as he returned to the isle. Crossing himself, he returned to the door. His hat settled back into the well-worn groove in his hair, and the church door shut behind him. Climbing into his run-down truck he drove home in silent reverie.